NES Retreat Special Report

Only days ago, Nintendo dropped a bombshell on the videogaming world when it revealed it's spiffy looking new system, the "Gamecube". Said to be the ultimate in immersive next-gen gameplay, the entire world seemed to fall for it hook line and sinker. Well we (I) here at NES Retreat knew better, and utilizing my ties to the videogame industry, I have come up with the real scoop. Our sources tell us that the Gamecube is a clever ploy by Nintendo execs to cover up thier REAL next-generation so that it would completely hit the world from left field when announced. Not only that, but NES Retreat has obtained real artists interpretations of this top secret system. This is the first time pictures of the system will be seen outside the executive offices at Nintendo of Japan. Ladies and gents, let me be the first to announce:

Yes, that's right, the new system will be known only as , but it's reported that the guys around the office at Nintendo are calling it, "GHKSLSPLX", roughly pronounced "gik-sel-splix", in favor of the unpronouncable symbol . The system is said to take advantage of microsyzmic technology, meaning that it will be very small. There has been a gradual trend towards small systems, such as the top-loading NES, Genesis 3, Dreamcast, and now, .

As you can see, the system is a perfect cube, each side measuring only 1 1/2 inches. It features a flip open lid and one port on each side, 2 controller ports and 2 output ports (we will get to those later). The system will play it's own domestic CD-type medium said to be no bigger than a dime. If all of this surprises you, you ain't seen nothing yet!

As you can see here, Nintendo is aiming to completely outclass the competition. Not only does the 15-inch-wide controller have an lcd screen, it plays NES, SNES even Sega Genesis games! A sly plan to convert Sega fans over to Nintendo, no doubt. But they don't stop there, oh no, it also plays CD's, can be turned into a TV and hooked up in your car! Slick!

You must be thinking a sweet set-up like this will cost you a pretty penny, but Nintendo is cutting back in other areas to bring this ultimate console gaming powerhouse to the market at a reasonable price. For hundreds of years, it has been a known fact that fruits and vegetables give off some amount of electricity, yet no one has ventured to utilize this "natural technology". Leave it to those trendsetters at Nintendo to do just that!

That's right, a power unit connects to the console, charging it with electricity given off by an orange and a potato impaled on twin prongs. Another device is connected to the to feed energy to the power unit:

A common metal dolphin semi-perpetual motion device is what is behind this beast of a machine (and now we see where the codename, "Dolphin" gets its origin). With one turn, the enhanced device can rotate for up to a half an hour, giving off enough energy for about 20 minutes of gameplay. Console owners will have to spin the device constantly for unlimited play, a small price to pay for the unmatched power of . Fully hooked up, the system will look like this:

It is estimated that the entire package will include the console, 1 controller, the power unit, perpetual motion device, 1 potato, 2 oranges, console-to-television connector and orange-to-potato connector. It is not certain when exactly the will hit the market, how advanced the games will be, or just how well it will succeed, but one thing is certain: Sega and Sony will be rotting in the deepest depths of darkest HELL when the insatiable fury that is comes to town. Just remember, you heard it here first at NES Retreat.