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Losers of the NES. You've all seen them. They're the guys that were put into the game as more of a joke than an opponent, the guys you laugh at, look down upon and scoff at. But would our childhoods be the same without them? Like it or not, they are a part of our society, our culture. Let us pay tribute to these zeroes which we've beaten and laughed at a hundred times over the years by taking a look into thier lives and find out......
Where Are They Now?
Ah, ol' Glass Joe. Who could forget his ugly mug? After losing 150 straight
matches, Glass Joe was forced to retire after no manager would have anything
to do with him or anyone within 75 degrees of being blood-related to him.
He moved to Paris and opened a boxing school for the severely retarded and
elderly, which gave rise to such stars as Gabby Jay and Eddie "Can't Get
Right" Martinez. Sadly, the school was forced to shut down because of an
old Parisian law against fighting a retarded man. Glass Joe was thrown
in jail, where he was gang-raped daily by French artisans, and
he's been a homo ever since.
Glass Joe moved back to the U.S. as soon as he got out of French prison,
eager to stay away for good. He moved to Las Vegas where he quickly gained
employment in a gay bar as a cross-dresser. He's been hopping around the
scene ever since, and has recently undergone many plastic surgery
operations. Today Joe can be found on 5th streets "Sodomy Stage: All Male
Review" under the stage name "Josephine Glass". Joe couldn't be reached
for comment, on account of making the interview editor sick, but we've
attained this photo of Joe as he appears today.
"They spelled it wrong! It's spelled with a 'U', I found out playing Skate
or Die!", this comment comes from a friend of mine, as we were looking at
the "poser of the month" section in Thrasher magazine. Just more proof
that videogames can teach us anything there is to know. Well it's good
Poseur Pete taught us at least one thing, because he sure didn't give
you any experience in the Joust game of 'Skate or Die'. In Petes own words:
"Hey dude, gimme a break! I'm just learning how to joust!"
Pete would be harassed daily by the good skaters such as Aggro Eddie and Lester, who made many thousands of variations of the word "peter", and proceeded to laugh at thier own dick jokes. None of this got to Pete, though, and he continued to give it his all, until one day when he was beaten senselessly for sneaking into a drained neighborhood pool with a couple of his "friends". They got away in time, and needless to say, Pete didn't. By the time Pete's wounds were healed, he was ready to give it another go, and followed the lead of so many other washed-up skateboarders of the time by taking up snowboarding. Soon he spent his entire life savings and, with the guidance of his old friend, "Aggro Eddie" started his own snowboard company. All was well with Pete, until Aggro Eddie used guerilla marketing tactics to buy out all shares of Petes half of the company. When reached for comment Aggro Eddie claimed "I no longer associate myself with peterheads". Broken and distraught, Poseur Pete had nowhere to turn.
I think we all remember the NES staple, Ninja Gaiden, and how tough it is
for most people. But one aspect of that game stood out for it's ridiculous
lack of difficulty, and that was the level 1 boss, Barbarian. As a boy,
Barbarian grew up in a family of 5 women. With no father figure and a face
so ugly he had to cover it at all times, Barbarians life was not an easy
one. He was the only white in a predominantly black school, and would get
his ass kicked almost daily. Barbarian turned to his only friend, alcohol.
Throughouts his late teens and 20's, he was a complete barfly, often
kicked out of the underground clubs for his drunken bouts of stupidity. In
1989, Barbarian met up with the Jaquio, who hired him out of pity to help
with an evil scheme he was hatching. He figured anyone that would oppose
him would fight Barbarian first and then be off-set by his
weakness, to be completely taken by surprise by the Jaquios army of evil
birds.
As we all know, Barbarian took a severe beating that same year at the hands of Ryu Hyabusa. He was hospitalized for 6 months and was given permanent health problems, including brain damage. After 3 years of living in misery, he went into rehab and slowly began putting his life back together.
Fresh out of rehab, Barbarian had everything back together, except for one thing, he had no money. Borrowing $125 from his old friend Jaquio, he invested in Don Lapre's Making Money Magic, and the investment turned out to be wise. He now makes $25,000 a week and is set to appear in a future infomercial with the overly accentric money making master, Don Lapre. Barbarian used some of his profits to realize a long-standing dream of his, and opened his own bar in New York City.
Lastly and leastly, who could forget Tiny from the should-be classic,
Wrath of the Black Manta? The gigantic humanoid robot was created by the
evil Taro, who was the only one would could see the beauty in a teamster
robot who could jump up and down. Tiny's sole purpose was keeping ninjas
and FBI agents from uncovering Taro's vast underground conspiracy of
brainwashing kids who would probably be drug addicts anyway into druggies.
Of course when this scheme was brought to an end, Tiny lost his sense of
purpose. He went into severe clinical depression, and often destroyed
entire city blocks in his fits of rage. As he was crying himself to sleep
one night, Tiny was discovered by Dr. Wily, who took him under his wing.
Tiny was free of his feelings of worthlessness, and Wily got some extra
parts for building inane robots like "Centaur Man".
After Wily went down for the count, Tiny was militant against making the same mistake twice. He joined the Teamsters union, with which he fit right in. He currently works as a bouncer and is employed by Barbarian. In his free time, Tiny enjoys the fine arts of origame and haiku writing. We recently caught up with Tiny in his apartment home, where he graced us with this fine work of his:
Boobs are pretty good
I like really big boobies
Boobs are pretty good